Being third generation often allows an individual to identify with a specific family tradition. Something that allows others to see the family pattern or desire to fulfill the same goals that have been passed to them with pride and prowess. Some families are long time entrepreneurs who have a successful business, some continue the same practice or area of study, like being a doctor or college professor, teaching English. Some attend the same college/university or become a member of the same fraternity/sorority as their parents and grandparents.
But, what would you say to someone who is a 3rd generation parent to a special needs child? It dawned on me a little over a year ago that I AM that person.
While my grandmother, mother, and I have all had our own unique experience, however despite much of what I think and feel, this responsibility was etched into my DNA even before I graced this earth. It's part of who I am and, if I am being honest, I admit that I struggle with my own acceptance of this overwhelming responsibility. I've been able to braved my own circumstances because of the examples I have from my maternal leaders who have imparted significant knowledge and wisdom to me have contributed to my ability to keep my head on straight and become the bad ass woman I am today.
Everyone knows my brother, Russell, but what most of you don't know is that I had an aunt with cerebral palsy. Diane was the middle child of the three (3) Dabak children born to my grandparents, Faye and Ashur. Diane was born in July of 1941. She was a breech baby and my grandmother told us her story that Diane was a “dry birth”, meaning her water broke and she labored for many hours, which as she described, resulted in her being born with cerebral palsy.
My grandmother was generous with details about Diane, but Diane always remained a mystery to me. My father didn't talk much about growing up with Diane, however my grandmother would paint vivid pictures for me as a young girl. She would describe Diane as having beautiful skin and hair. How my grandfather loved Diane, was very kind and gentle with her, and would push her in the pram. How during the 1940's there was a glaring stigma that accompanied her day to day life which could often be overbearing, upsetting and unpleasant. She struggled trying to find her "normal" in a world that passed judgment without knowing the full story with a child who required 24/7 care. The stares, lack of resources and concern for her child's wellbeing plagued her constantly.
At the age of 6, my grandparents decided it would be best for Diane to become a "ward of the state" giving up all parental rights to the state in hopes that she would receive the care they couldn't provide. While as a child this appeared to be very simple in concept, when I reflect on my grandmother's decision to commit her child, her flesh and blood, and institutionalize her baby, I know it gutted her emotionally as a mother. Something she grappled with for the rest of her life.
There is not a day that goes by where I don't reflect on all of the chats I had with my grandmother over the years about this experience. Casual conversations, while she read my tea leaves, shaping my approach on how to handle to everyday struggles. She offered sage like wisdom freely, which ultimately helped mold my character. This wisdom I now turn to when I am navigating my world as a special needs parent. I often channel my inner Faye harnessing raw strength and gumption to keep going and doing so in stride. If there is one thing she impressed upon me, it's that we all inevitably face demanding situations, however it's our perspective of these circumstances that defines our path.
In reflection, as a third generation girl, my perspective start with the seven (7) pillars Faye imparted to me. These pillars always whip me back into shape to get me back on track when I waver and today, during Women's History Month, I cannot think of a better way to celebrate her for the invaluable guidance she offered to the generations after her, including myself by sharing this with the world.
Here goes:
Break the rules because let's face it, rules were meant to be broken. Change will not happen otherwise,
Embrace the suck. Life may try to paralyze you, but when you embrace the suck you are accepting things that are not in your control. Continue to move forward in spite of them and things will shift in your favor,
Be progressive. My grandmother, Faye, was a firm believer that growth and change were necessary to keep up with the evolving world,
Be gentle with yourself; don't allow toxic thoughts to take over your mind and derail your progress,
Nourish your soul; self care is mandatory, not optional,
It's okay to have boundaries and standards just don't allow them to harden your spirit,
Make every day, minute, and second count; there are no guarantees in life so live each moment fully and with vigor, and last (I know I said 7, but....)
Love wins all.